how i'd want to live today

I think today is one of those days when my burden weighs a little heavy. It's on days like this that I miss the love I never had with you. Sometimes, I find myself loosely lost between wonders of what could've been. But, it is in between those wonders that I feel at home, I feel like I float and sink. Very slowly, I sink and sink until suddenly the pressure of the water above me crushes my bones, and I am again, just a little bit of shiny, glimmering stardust.
I feel like it is in between the wonders of what could've been us that I feel like I am in your arms, wrapped tightly, softly, wonderfully and eternally.
I know you don't love me and you never will. Often, I look at the mirror through your eyes and try my hardest to love me. But I hate myself, I see so much flaw. I do not know who I am, and I do not want to, because the knowledge of who I am will pain me.
But I wonder if in between the five millions times our eyes were locked and the time you stared at me distantly until you came and stood right behind the chair I sat upon, you felt the slightest, tiniest bit of love for me. Because if you did then i want to relive every eyelock we had, a million times again. Then I can live off of the two seconds of love you had for me. I do not want to escape the feel of your arms, I do not want to open my eyes. Let me float between my wonders for the rest of my life.
Maybe it was a bit foolish of me to vow that I wanted to live in your ways and to die in your arms.
Maybe it was a bit stupid to give to you all that I had. But if I had to relive today, I wouldn't want to relive it without the thoughts of you.
I don't want to live a tomorrow if I have to escape your arms. I cannot give up on the love I have for you, I write for you, I sing of you, I will rather die for you but I will never live a second without the thoughts of you. 
My days will pass by but I won't live today ever again and I wont have a tomorrow when the thoughts of you won't cross my mind. 

 


Back when we were still changing for the better,
Wanting was enough, for me it was enough.
To live for the hope of it all, cancel plans just in case you'd call,
Saying meet me behind the mall.
So much for summer love, saying "us" 
'Cause you weren't mine to lose.


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